BaffoonMC Bestiary

God

The Ancient of Days, and a disappointed grandad

Found

On His throne by the exit portal, on the End's main island

Takes the place of

The ender dragon

Health

Grows with the crowd: 1,600 against one fighter, 4,400 against five, 7,900 against ten

Rewards

God's Halo for the top fighter, pieces of the Vestments of the Ancient, and the World Egg

A giant, grey-bearded old man in white robes, with a halo and an old man's voice. He is in no hurry to fight. On the first day He sits on His throne making small talk, until someone hits Him or tells Him they've come to challenge Him.

His fight is the Seven Days of Creation. A new Day starts each time He loses another seventh of His health. On the second Day He rises and swims through the sky, lifting people into the air (Rapture). On the third He calls down two Archangels. The fourth brings falling stars and the Pillar of Salt, which freezes anyone who looks at Him. On the fifth, angels swoop in, and He marks everyone who has been feeding Moloch. By the sixth He has lost His temper and throws His throne. On the seventh He keeps nodding off: hit Him while He sleeps for double damage, and He wakes up furious.

Smite, a pillar of light followed by lightning, runs through every Day, so keep moving. Leave Him alone and He heals, but never back past the start of the Day He's on. His damage grows 15% with each Day.

• <God> Ah. Visitors. Wipe your feet.
• <God> Challenge ME? I invented challenges.
• <God> Back in my day the meek inherited the earth. Now they just hit me with swords.
• <God> GET OFF MY LAWN!
• <God> I WASN'T ASLEEP!

Archangels

Judgement, in a shell of ivory and gold

Found

Across the End as shulkers; out on the Seven Heavens as ghasts once God has fallen

Danger

One hit from their bolt of judgement kills

Leaves alone

Anyone Graced by the Angel Engine (the ghast form)

Every shulker in the End is an Archangel, in an ivory shell with a gold rim and a golden spiral on its base. Their bolt doesn't make you float. It ends you.

After God has been beaten, Archangels also drift through the Heavens as ghasts. They show up now and then, out of sight, around players on the outer islands, never on the main island. Their fireballs smite like the shulkers' bolts. There are only ever a few per player, and they leave once nobody is near. On the third Day of His fight, God calls two of them down to help.

• <God> Archangels! Attend me.
• <God> I brought help. Don't tell anyone.
• <God> My host. Be polite, they bite.

The Peacekeeper

Heaven's doorman, and its only shop

Found

Keeping watch by the Pearly Gates

Made from

A great, still vex, more than twice the usual size

Trades

The Heavenly Respirator for 2 Tears of God, frames for a Gate of Heaven for 1 Tear, Levitation splash potions for 10 diamonds, and the Angel Engine for the World Egg

A pale vex that never moves from its post and never draws a blade. It trades with whoever comes up to Heaven.

Its most important stock is the Angel Engine, the Heart of Darkness mended in gold. It is the only cure for the inhuman, and the inhuman can never come up here to buy it, so someone else has to carry it down to them. Eaten by anyone else, it Graces them for good: undead take more damage from them, the Archangel ghasts leave them be, and a Second Wind of Regeneration lifts them when they fall low.

• <Peacekeeper> Breathe easy. The air up here was made for you too.

Zephyrs

The winds of Heaven

Found

Roaming the outer islands of the Seven Heavens

Made from

Breezes

Never

Near God's island, or while His fight is on

Breezes that roam the outer islands. Their wind charge hits harder than a breeze's and lifts you off your feet with Levitation. Heaven's own Slow Falling lets you back down gently, as long as there's an island under you when it does.

Like natural mobs they come and go: a couple per player at most, gone once nobody is near.

Moloch

The idol under the pyramid

Found

The battle hall under the pyramid, once his Hunger is full

Made from

A warden three times the size, reskinned as a horned bronze idol with a furnace for a belly

Health

Grows with the crowd: 1,500 against one fighter, 4,300 against five, 11,300 against fifteen

Rewards

Moloch's Horns for whoever hurt him most, and pieces of Moloch's Regalia

His Hunger fills from 0 to 100 with sacrifices and offerings. When it's full he rises five minutes later, and everyone is called to the arena to fight him together, with 30 minutes on the clock. Once he's summoned his hall is sealed: anyone can walk in, nobody walks out. Whoever dies in the hall rises as a ghost and has to watch until it's over.

Between ordinary warden blows he picks from the bull charge, the leap slam, the Cross of Fire, furnace breath, the fire ring and the chain pull, which drags in anyone hanging back. If you dodge his charge so he hits a pillar, he topples over, stunned and open. Arrows only do half damage, and his Soulfire Ward burns them and throws fire back.

At 75% his golden champions, piglin brutes, shield him until they're dead. At 50% he screams. At 25% he collapses and feeds. Below that he's in a frenzy. If the fighters lose, they carry Moloch's Curse for 15 minutes: Weakness, Mining Fatigue, Hunger, and their items drop when they die.

• MOLOCH STIRS.
• MOLOCH HAS RISEN.

The Blood Priest

Seller of everything an abduction needs

Found

Watching from the realm; turns his head to follow anyone who comes near

Trades

The Hood for 6 gold, the Cultist's Cudgel for 10, the Cultist's Shackles for 16, and Beef Tartare for 2

Secret stock

Festering Flesh, then the Heart of Darkness for the World Egg

A robed figure in black with burning red eyes, pictured holding out the Heart of Darkness. He sells everything you need to take someone: a sack to go over their head, a cudgel to daze them from behind, and shackles to close round their wrists. Buy everything he has and he shows you more. First comes Festering Flesh, which only the inhuman can keep down. Last of all comes the Heart of Darkness, and he'll only take the World Egg for it.

Wilder Blood Priests also walk the realm, taller than a man and harder to kill. They're evokers under the robes.

• <Blood Priest> Pull it tight. Their breathing sounds better muffled.
• <Blood Priest> From behind. Always from behind. Let them wonder who it was.
• <Blood Priest> Beef. Yes. Let's call it beef.
• <Blood Priest> No more Heaven for you. Don't worry. The view from down here is warmer.

Bull of Moloch

A stone-faced beast

Found

Roaming Moloch's realm

Made from

A ravager, 1.4 times the size

Stats

180 health, hits for 16, armour 10, can't be knocked back

A great bull with a grey stone head and a dark red hide, the living image of the god it's named for. It doesn't stop for anything, and you can't push it back. Fight it from somewhere it can't reach, or don't fight it at all.

Worshippers of Moloch

His faithful, sealed in gold

Found

In threes, in the realm's dark places (never in the light)

Made from

Husks in full gold armour with golden swords

Stats

22 health each, quick on their feet

The dried-out faithful of the realm, wrapped in gold from head to foot with a red sash across the chest. They always come in threes and follow you a long way once they've seen you.

The Friendly Stranger

A lovely bloke. Nothing to worry about. Hide your valuables.

Found

Moloch's realm, usually just behind you

Goes by

Friendly Stranger. Nobody calls him anything else. Bastard Thief

Stats

24 health. Walks very fast, for no particular reason

Drops

Nothing of yours, surely. Your whole inventory, and the Thief's Key

Just a friendly man in black who'd like to know the time. He walks right up to you, all smiles, and asks ever so politely. Checking your pockets afterwards would be rude.

If your things go missing after a chat with him, that's a coincidence. If you happen to kill him anyway, you might find them on him, along with an old brass key that opens iron doors and trapdoors without redstone. It snaps after a few uses. He must have found it somewhere.

He gets a bit touchy with people who have nothing on them, so it's best to carry something nice for him to... look at.

• <Friendly Stranger> Excuse me mate, have you got the time?
• <Friendly Stranger> Cheers, you're a star.
• <Friendly Stranger> Thanks, I'll sell this lot down the market.
• <Bastard Thief> Wasted my time, you skint muppet.
• Bastard Thief robbed you! Kill it to get your things back.

The Blood Moon

The night the animals turn

When

Some nights; the moon is held at midnight for as long as it lasts

Rules

Nobody can sleep through it

Under a blood moon even the livestock hunt you: cows, pigs, sheep, chickens, goats, rabbits and horses. The monsters come out armed and armoured, in random pieces of leather, chainmail, copper, gold and iron, and many carry spears.

Witches ride phantoms across the sky. Like every other monster they only appear in the dark, so a lit base keeps them away.

The Inhuman

Anyone who ate the Heart of Darkness

Becoming one

Eat the Heart of Darkness

Cure

The Angel Engine, which only the Peacekeeper sells

Tells

Bruised purple hearts on a black bar, and a sickly green hunger bar

Monsters leave the inhuman alone unless struck. They carry three extra hearts, and in Moloch's realm they have Fire Resistance and Speed. Raw meat feeds them, and rotten flesh, spider eyes and poisonous potatoes no longer make them sick. Every other food leaves them hungrier.

The living hate them. Livestock, wolves and cats attack. Iron golems hunt them. Villagers run unless the inhuman hides their face under a Hood, and then they charge more. Only zombie villagers trade freely. The inhuman can't sleep, the sun burns a bare head, and Heaven will never let them in again.

Pictured wearing the Black Filament, a parasite that latches onto the chest. It keeps its host alive with Regeneration, eats everything they eat, and won't come off until it's starved out.

• <Blood Priest> He won't let you back into His house after this. Good. It's cold up there.